#2 – On God’s love

God loves me unconditionally. He loves me because He is Love and not because I am lovely.

I had a terrible day the other day. It was so horrible I was on the verge of tears. Don’t ask me about it because it is not a gist for today. And if you are really interested, you can grab me whenever you see me and ask me about it. I’ll be polite. Except I’m having another bad day -__-

Alright, where was I?

Yeah, I had a horrible day. The day was so so so bad. In fact it was not palatable at all. I felt like I had probably woken on the wrong side of the bed and maybe as Sara Groves puts it, the wrong side of the world. It was just horrible. Ick.

Okay, I’m sure you get the idea.

So, I was having this phenomenally bad day, and to make it worse, most of it was my own folly. I had made some terrible decisions and crossed some lines that day. And as I sat on the slab, licking my wounds and battling the tears, I began to get in the ‘sorry me’ mood. You know, the one where you suddenly remember all the things wrong with your life and how you are the innocent victim of life...yadda, yadda, yadda. Yeah, that one.
 
But as I am wont to do, I did not chalk the horribleness of my day to a few bad decisions alone. I dug deeper and realized that all these could be traced to just one bad decision I made that morning or maybe several of those before then.

I missed my time with God.

Okay, so you may roll your eyes and snort thinking, “And so?” But for me, this was huge (or I want it to be huge. It should be [this is another long post]). And somehow, I began to think that maybe, just maybe God was getting back at me for standing him up too long. Of course, I tried to shake this feeling off immediately it came, saying I knew better.

But the suspicion was there.

We are like this a lot of times. We believe that God’s love for us is based on our performance. We feel loved when we act well but unloved when we act badly but this is a lie.  In fact, it was while we were still dead to God in sin and cared nothing for Him that He demonstrated His love for us (Romans 5:28). It was while we were enemies of God and were wanderers lost in our own folly that He extended a hand of fellowship to us.

God loves us because He is Love. This is His nature. He cannot help but love. He loves because He is love and not because we are lovely. Nothing we do or don’t do will make Him love us more or less. We cannot coerce Him to love us because we don’t have to.

 “The one who does not love has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did know Him], for God is love. [He is the originator of love, and it is an enduring attribute of His nature.]” (1 John 4:8 – Amplified Bible).

That’s just the way it is. And of course there are times we do fall short and begin to wonder about whether we deserve to be loved. I know I wonder. But, the truth is we don’t, we don't deserve it and it is in this state that we can truly appreciate the nature of Love. The nature of love is the nature of God. We don’t have to feel loved, all we need is to trust in His word and His profession of love He splatters over the pages of the Bible. 

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – NKJV).
 
Did you get that? Love is patient. God is patient. He is kind, and every other character of love stated above is HIM. Get it? Christ asked us to forgive our brother 7 times 70 times a day. And I believe that if God could ask that of us, then He would at least do the same. He cannot ask of us something He himself has not done or cannot do. So yeah, God is enduring. And all that.

The more we understand about this love of God, the more we are propelled to love Him. An active indication of not loving God is that we do NOT understand God’s love. Also, when life comes barelling at us like a raged bull, reflecting on His love keeps us. We struggle with a lot of issues because the love of God is still not real to us. For if we understood, how can we not respond favorably to a One so dear? How?

God is love and ALL that He does for us is born out of the love He has for us. It may look unloving to us, but ultimately He is loving us through the process and redefining our perception of what love really is. He is giving us Himself through and through. We may not like the process. We may bend and pass through fire.

But faith sits and watches.

She waits before the ashes.

She nods and mutters;

“It is well. Love is here.”

Side Note:

Again I sit and wonder. I cry in my heart with a desperation that I cannot contain.

'Lord, make this real to me yet!'

For if indeed I understood, would I still keep love waiting? Would I continue to gather worthless jewels while He awaits? Will I not pick up my cross and walk the path of love? Will I not be responsive?

Reality. Yes, all I need.

Reality.

**Based on the 'What I have been learning series.**

OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN

 #LatePost

I shouldn’t feel this way. I know. I am a Christian for Christ’s sake. Or at least I like to think I am. I close my eyes, open my mouth and try to express what I feel, or don’t feel. But Nada. Zilch.

Nothing.

I should pray. I know I should, because I am a Christian. I am supposed to pray! Prayer is what we do. But I just don’t feel like it. I’m serious.

I don’t feel like praying.

And that is the problem. Has been for a while. Of course this should not be expected of me. I should be able to roll off my bed with the first thing on my mind being God and talking with him. But now I wake with a certain kind of…trepidation. Like, “Here we go…”

I say ‘trepidation’ because I hate routine. I like doing the right thing but I hate doing it dutifully. It makes me hate myself because I feel…passionless. Then I start feeling sad for hating myself. And then guilt sets in, going on in a vicious cycle.

So, yes, trepidation. Days have gone when I felt that way.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I still love God. Very much. But it’s more like me saying, “I really, really do love my Mum but I just don’t feel like talking to her. I just prefer we sit side by side in silence.”

It happens in relationships right? You just want to enjoy the person’s presence.

But you see, it doesn’t work that way with God. Because for starters, I can’t even feel his presence, how then can I enjoy it? Secondly, I really need to pray…especially now, with all that’s going on.

Sigh.

The silence is unbearable. I don’t say anything and neither does He and somehow this makes me mad. Why won’t you say something? Why do I have to be the one to initiate the conversation?
 
I’ve always been one of those Christians who believe in prayer and it became really alarming when this went on for a few days. So, after a lot of pep talk, from me (and God?), I finally decided to pray.

“Our Father who art…” I say but slowly drift off. I gave it another shot and this time tried not to pay attention to how dry and frigid my voice sounded even to my own ears. It felt…forced.

I mentally threw my hands up in defeat.

“Lord, this isn’t working and we both know it,” I say.

But what has to be done has to be done, so after several minutes of rambling and carrying on with my routine, I decided I had satisfied my conscience. Or maybe not. And this went on for days.

It’s not like I don’t know I should pray. Like I said, I believe so much in prayer not just because people say so but because, I’m telling you, I have tasted its power and beauty.

I have had times when God showed forth for me at the nick of time or even before time because of prayers. I have received strength and refreshing waters in the place of prayer. I have seen it at work. So, why can’t I just pray?

It’s like every time I close my eyes to pray, my brain starts bustling with things to do yet I know every bustling outside God is just busy nothing. I tried. I promise, I really tried. But it was not a discipline issue this time. No. there was something more, keeping me from reaching that beautiful place of fellowship with God. And I didn’t know what, I just was not feeling it.

And then it hit me.

“We walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7 _ NIV)

I realized then that I was basing my connection with God on how I felt at that moment instead of allowing faith shape my perception of God. And a lot of this goes on in our generation. We are so in touch with the physical, basing everything on what we can see, smell, taste, hear or feel. But that is the problem because God does not dwell in the physical.

We worship and communicate with God in the Spirit because He is Spirit. He is our Father in Heaven who we don’t see and want to communicate with. Our emotions have no place in this.

Pay attention: Prayer is NOT about how you feel. Got it?

Of course it would sometimes come to a point where God rubs on us so much that it overflows to our emotions. But, it does not begin there.

Get this straight. Passion and feeling in prayer does not begin with the emotions. It begins with following God in blind-eyed faith before the manifestation of anything physical. Go and check, those who encountered God in such awesome ways in the Bible began with a step in faith.

So it means that at that point you don’t feel like praying, that is the best time to pray because you pray in the Spirit and not by feeling (sight, emotion, flesh).

Immediately I had this understanding, I ran straight for God. At first it seemed like a repetition of the same ol’, but I pressed for more. I pressed, bearing in my heart that I have a Father in Heaven who is just waiting for me to speak. I pressed till I was so completely immersed I didn’t even realize it.

It was a wonderful feeling. But it didn’t begin with the feeling.

Another tip: When you just don’t feel like praying, go to God’s word. Allow his voice soak you through His word. It spurs you to pray.

Pray God’s word to him.

And yes, you’ll need lots of discipline too.

So, are you ready? Now close your eyes, take a deep breath and say,
“My Father, who art in Heaven…”

Side Note:
I'm sure by now you've noticed this is a favorite topic of mine; prayer. And in all my goodness, I have decided to spare you the pain of having to point out the obvious. So, yeah, it is a topic of particular fascination to me...the ability to communicate with the divine.

And I've read a few books on this. Will probably do a book review on my top 5 books on prayer sometime.

HE WASN’T KIDDING! (I) - Faith like a child

I love children. It is an affection that has spurred me to study every fascinating detail of them.  I love their big, bright eyes, their cute gurgles, their endless ramblings on related and unrelated topics, their smell, their naughtiness, their cute and funny repartees, their cute little toes and fingers. Their ignorance.

But as much as I love kids, I do not admire them. How could I? I mean, they are KIDS. One of the greatest insults I thought I could ever get as a very grown girl from a person was when they looked me square in the eyes and allowed, “You’re acting like a child!” drop from their mouth. Now, I consider myself a quite genial person but maan, call me a kid and my head could heat up. I avoided this like the plague, had spent almost my whole life trying to prove it.

I AM NOT A CHILD. 

 

It became my favorite mantra, a sword I would wield in anyone’s face as soon as I saw any red lights screaming, “Kid-accusation alert!” The rules were formed, I didn’t have to try so hard, society and conventions defined them.

RULE NO. 1: BE INDEPENDENT

I adopted this rule as often as I could. 

Mum: “You should not do this like this. Here, let me help you”

Me: “Ugh! No, Mum! Geez, I’m not a child!”

This was the format of me and my Mum’s arguments as I grew to be a teenager. I could do stuff myself. I didn’t need anyone to teach me or help me (especially the ones I thought I could well handle). I prided myself in this. I thought it was a very…mature way of thinking.

And it wasn’t surprising when I and God started having these arguments too. ”Lord, I know I need you but surely there has to be SOMETHING I can do myself!”

Plus, I am a very rational human being. I don’t believe in Santa Clause, nor the man in the moon. I know everyone isn’t perfect, so I never trust them. If God says I’ll do" A", boy it has to be censored by my high-beam-lie-detecting equipment. "Did he really mean that?" I think too much. And that is a good thing. Right?

But as always, God has a way of bursting my painfully inflated bubbles.

“I assure you, anyone who doesn't have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God." (Mark 10:15-16 – NLT)

Annnd…there goes my bubble!

Jesus dropped the bomb in carefully succinct words. So short, with no parables of any sort, that it is soo easy for us, rational-independent adults to miss.

Independent. Reasonable. These are words we love to be described by, but Jesus sunk our boats on this one. He never told us to be super strong, independent and rational. Nope, He asked us to be like a child. Kids aren’t independent or rational. They are clingy and completely unreasonable. No way was I having them as my role model. BUT, THAT IS WHAT JESUS EXPECTS! 

He expects that when He tells me He’d do something as ridiculous as say…sanctify me and make me (ME, you guys!) like himself, I should just believe Him and hang to His every word. No questions or theories to explain whether he will or how he will. He expects that I cling to Him for my EVERY need including the ones I feel I am big enough to handle…like say, making my own decisions. That’s the difference, a child would believe anything his/her parents tell him/her, even something as ridiculous as talking donkeys. 

 

This picture of helplessness, gullibility and unshakable trust is what God wants. It trumps all my fancy "miss-independent-and-rational" fumes out the window. Funny how He seeks the little things. He doesn’t need my big muscled faith, he wants my quiet tiny mustard seed. He wants me to trust in Him like a child with wide eyed belief and no specs of suspicion, rationality or doubt. 

He assures me that EXCEPT I receive him in child-like faith, I CANNOT see the Kingdom. Thus, you should know He was pretty serious. So, when Jesus said, “BE LIKE A KID,” HE WASN’T KIDDING! It was with a straight, un-laughing face. He wants me to continually look to Him with outstretched arms and wide, believing eyes. Seriously.

"Yes, I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in me and I in him shall produce a large crop of fruit. For apart from me you can't do a thing.” (John 15:5 – TLB).

How helpless and gullible are you?

KEEP QUIET!

I was getting really irritated. I was getting bored and I certainly wished I was somewhere else. Ayo had been keeping at it for several minutes now. Both of us were talking about something I’m not even sure had any bearing or moral lesson. Or maybe I should rephrase – he was doing the talking, a one-man conversation better called a monologue. And each time I tried to say something; he would either cut me off or just continue his tirade like my opinion was not called for and I didn’t even exist. I’ve had several experiences like this and it irritates me to no measure.

But even as I huff and puff at this breach in classical communication, there is a realization that dawns on me that there is a lot of this going on in the Christian body, an alteration in what ought to be but is not – Prayer.

 I’m quite sure that if I asked people what they understood by the term ‘’prayer,’’ I will probably be getting something along the lines of; “Communication between man and God,” from nothing less than 50% of them and rightly so. But there is a problem, not in the definition but in the understanding of what it is.

As a communication student, I’ve had my ears full on what communication really means. One of the classical definitions I’ve heard over and over is; “Communication is the exchange of information, ideas, thoughts, feelings etc between two or more people with the receiver(s) having a clear understanding of the message and then giving a feedback.” I won’t bore you with the details and technicalities of it but communication is not complete without feedback. Almost everyone will agree with this definition that if one doesn’t get a feedback, then communication hasn’t taken place; at least not effectively. So why do we find it hard to apply this to God also?

Several times I’ve heard it stressed that prayer is very important in growing spiritually and each time I picture it in my mind, I can imagine God sitting up there and little me down here talking, talking, talking and God listening patiently, it never occurred to me how very inappropriate that picture was. The absurdity of this kind of communication dawned on me fully when I was discussing with a friend of mine and he was talking about how he wasn’t really “big” on prayers and how his prayers entailed him drafting a long list of all he wanted to pray about, then reading them back to God and there the prayer ended. I thought it was really funny and you may think that it’s really ridiculous but that is what most of us do, we give God this long list (maybe not a paper list) of what He should do for us, stay for few minutes; talk, talk and talk! And think we have prayed. What happened to communication? What happened to fellowship? (Which is even the main reason why we were created), what happened to listening?

Little Samuel was born of a covenant and as such, at a tender age, given to the work of God and lived in the temple with the Priest – Eli and his naughty sons. From 1 Samuel 3, we see how God called Samuel to be a Prophet and gave him a message about Eli. Before this happened, there was an antecedent. In verse 3, the Bible talks about Samuel lying down in the temple/tabernacle of the Lord and whenever tabernacle is mentioned, it speaks of God’s presence. So, Samuel was in God’s presence and then suddenly God calls him. This just tells us that for us to hear God we need to be in His presence and this is in the place of prayer (fellowship).

Although Samuel did not immediately recognise God’s voice, through persistent search he got it. If he had probably laid there on his bed after the first or second time and just assumed it was someone playing tricks (probably one of Eli’s notorious kids), he wouldn’t have gotten the revelation he did. So, in listening to God persistence is very important.

One very important thing that’s very striking was the fact that throughout the whole conversation Samuel was silent after he said “Speak, for your servant is listening” (1 Samuel 3:10). This lad was probably terrified and must have also been very excited about the fact that The Almighty was talking to him, especially at a time when “the Word of the Lord was rare; there were not many visions.” (1 Samuel 3:1). I’m sure he had a thousand things to ask God for, I certainly would have! But instead he just lay there silently as God spoke. What an attitude!

There are times when we as Christians are not to talk to God or do anything but listen. Times when we put all our thoughts, petitions, even intercessions (as self-sacrificing as that is) aside and just listen to what God has to say, reading and meditating on the word and times when we should just ‘’be still” and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10), this also speaks of worship, not in singing or eulogies but as The Message says: ‘’Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God....”  (Psalms 46:10)

It speaks of devotion, of taking “long, loving looks,” of still hearts and silent lips – “Quiet down before God, be prayerful before Him...” (Psalms 37:7 – the Message), of “fixing our eyes on Jesus” (Hebrews 12:2). Therefore, let us stop boring Him with our monologues and diatribes, keep quiet and allow God speak!


Sidenote: I know I've been MIA for some time. How long now? A month? I apologize. Lately, I've had this crazy deluge of work thrown at me and it's been kinda hard to keep up with the tangled world that is blogosphere. Please, bear with me. I still need a bit more practice at this. Pleeaase, have mercy! Pleeaase? Pretty pleeeaase? Sooo...am I forgiven?  *most whining smile*. Oh, thank you! You're a darling!

Oh well, see you some other time then. Let's just hope "another time" wouldn't have that much apology attached to it. That was really draining. Alrighty, toodles!